Camera IconNat Locke Credit: Jackson Flindell/The West Australian
This week we discovered that Nicole Kidman — Oscar winner and national treasure — makes a point of hugging her two teenage daughters. What is the big deal about that, you ask? Well, she hugs them for TWO MINUTES. Each.
If you can cook an entire packet of noodles, that is far too long to be hugging someone, in my humble opinion.
The daughters are 15 and 17, by the way, so she is doing well to get them to even look her in the eye, let alone embrace her for two minutes. But perhaps that is the bonus effect of being Nicole Kidman. Your children tolerate you and acknowledge your existence. Imagine that.
Nic is not just doing this for fun. She believes that two minutes of solid hugging releases “certain chemicals” — a bit vague for my highly scientific brain, but I appreciate the sentiment.
I have pondered this over the past few days, and I can confidently state that there is not a single person on Earth I would willingly hug for two whole minutes. Two minutes is an incredibly long time to maintain an embrace. After a while, you would inevitably start scanning the room, noticing things like a cobweb in the corner or that the pot plants need watering. Oh look, the fan blades are dusty. Dammit, there is still a minute and a half to go.
I have many questions about this, as it turns out. For instance, does Nic set a timer? Because two minutes is hard to estimate without one. Or does she cue up a two-minute song and simply hold on until it finishes?
Also, does she hug them at different times of the day, or does she line them up and do them one after another? Because from Nic’s perspective, that is four minutes of sustained hugging. FOUR MINUTES. Who has four spare minutes in their day? When does she find time for her doomscrolling?
If you are a parent of teenagers, I implore you, please, please film them when you suggest that you should hug for two minutes a day, every day. I am very eager to see their reactions. And if you want to up the ante, tell them they cannot have the Wi-Fi password until they have completed their parental hugging duties.
Yes, I know. I am an agent of chaos.
Part of me hopes that old Nicole is just trolling her teenage kids and trying to push their buttons a bit because it is fun. If a parent cannot wind up their teenagers, then what is the point of having them? Most of the time, they are awful. Not forever, obviously. And not all of them. And it is not even their fault. All those hormones and a still-developing frontal cortex mean they tend to go through a phase when they are not the best company. And that is exactly when you should suggest that a two-minute hug is in order.
Because after the first attempt, you can bet almost anything that they would rather unload the dishwasher than risk another two minutes of their mother clinging to them. You will have them folding laundry, taking out the bins, and mowing the lawn before you know it.
And I cannot be certain, but I reckon that might also release “certain chemicals” into your bloodstream, making you feel a LOT better about life.
Besides, imagine how dull life would be if a child grew up without any stories about how their parents embarrassed them during their teenage years. As parents, it is not only your right to be cringe; I would suggest it is also your responsibility.
If your kids think you are cool 100 per cent of the time, you are missing so many opportunities. There is plenty of time for them to realise you are actually okay, once they turn 25 or something. But when they are 15? Oh, every single thing you do should be utterly horrifying to them. It is the natural order of things.
So maybe Nicole Kidman is doing Sunday and Faith a favour. In 20 years’ time when they are being interviewed on a tonight show — Graham Norton will probably still be a thing — and the inevitable question is asked: “What was it like having Nicole Kidman as your mum?” At least these girls can tell a charming anecdote about how their mother forced them to hug for two minutes, and everyone on the couch will laugh and laugh.
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