A wife writes to advice columnist Eleanor Gordon-Smith about a mismatch in sexual desire with her husband. Married for five years, she has always wanted sex more frequently than he does. Initially, they had sex two to three times a week, but after a stressful period at work, his libido dropped. He took up running to cope, often exercising five to six times a week for an hour each session, leaving him too tired for sex. Despite reassurances that he finds her attractive, she feels rejected and deprioritized, describing the relationship as more like good friends than romantic partners.
Eleanor suggests that the couple may share a common definition of sex that is problematic. She notes that the letter frames sex in terms of performance, energy, and physical ability, which can create pressure and anxiety. For the husband, sex may be seen as a test he can fail, especially when tired from running. Eleanor argues that great sex does not require intense physical exertion; it can be about connection, vulnerability, and pleasure beyond penetration. She cites research that lesbians have more orgasmic sex without relying on erections, emphasizing that the erotic is broader than traditional notions.
Eleanor advises exploring what sex means to each partner. If sex is a source of expectations or shame for him, that affects his desire. She suggests they work together to redefine sex as a space for uninhibitedness and discovery, rather than performance. While differences in libido are possible, changing the concept of sex might ignite mutual desire. She praises the wife's question of 'what can we do?' and encourages focusing on better sex rather than just more sex, aiming for a shared experience that is consuming and liberating.
