Popular podcast host Alexis Fernandez has revealed her horror after going through a nasty separation and how she has turned it into a positive experience. The 30-year-old Sydney-based neuroscientist and author shared her personal journey of heartbreak and the psychological tools she used to heal.
A Shocking First Heartbreak
Fernandez recalls her first heartbreak vividly, describing the pain as a shock. She admitted that she previously didn't understand the drama of breakups, thinking, 'How bad can it really be?' However, she soon discovered it was 'pretty horrible.' Her first heartbreak was a case of 'psychological ghosting,' where her ex dumped her face-to-face but with no reason or explanation and zero warning signs.
For a long time, she felt confused, bewildered, and unable to move on. Embarrassed by her lack of progress after a full year, she pretended to have moved on while still crying into her pillow at night. She realized that despite having healthy friendships, a job she liked, and an overall good life, something was holding her back.
Turning Pain into Purpose
Fernandez decided to shake up her life, moving to Paris and experiencing more failed relationships. With her background in psychology and neuroscience, she researched the psychology of healing from heartbreak and learned valuable lessons. She compiled her findings into a survival handbook that helped her heal and move on from subsequent, more toxic heartbreaks in a fraction of the time.
This process improved her self-esteem, increased her resilience, and taught her more about herself than anything else. She has shared these tools with her audience and received hundreds of success story emails.
Hot Tips for Healing
Hope Must Stop
Fernandez emphasizes that every day you hold onto hope that your ex will return is a day you are not healing. You cannot grieve until that door is closed. She advises naming the feelings, grieving, but not waiting for them to come back or give you closure. 'Don't make the person who hurt you responsible for healing you,' she says. Creating your own closure takes the power back.
Stop Having to 'Fight for It'
Only fight for a relationship when both sides are fighting together to overcome an obstacle. If your partner chose to end things, it is not your cue to fight for them. Emotional manipulation will never lead to a healthy relationship. If they want to walk away, allow it.
We Are Done Obsessing
Give your time the respect it deserves. No more stalking your ex for clues. Spend time only on those who chose to still be here. Mute or block them if needed. Going cold turkey is the best way to put your needs first.
Even the Playing Field
Every time you think of a positive memory, remind yourself of three negative or annoying memories or traits your ex had. Allow yourself to be annoyed or angry. These emotions feel more empowering than rejection or abandonment.
Remind Yourself Who You Are
Don't forget that many of the memories you miss are ones you brought to the table. 'Half the reason the relationship was good was because you were in it,' she says. Your personality, humour, and spontaneity live on and will shine in future relationships.
Stop Bonding with Powerlessness
It can be easy to become attached to your pain. Saying things like 'I can't trust anyone again' may feel empowering but reinforces that your wellbeing depends on others. Moving through pain is the only way to experience life's highs again. There is no shortcut.
Fernandez concludes that it doesn't have to take a year to move on. If you do the hard work, one good breakup can lead to becoming the best version of yourself. 'Learn to have your back, even on the days you are not happy. Make the goal to choose yourself,' she advises.
Alexis Fernandez, 30, is based in Sydney and hosts the popular podcast 'Do You F*cking Mind?' She holds a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology and French from UQ and a Masters in Neuroscience.
