Brianna Gunn was consumed by a feeling she had never experienced before in the aftermath of her father's death by suicide: a profound and unsettling rage.
The 27-year-old restaurant manager from Stroud said she had to actively learn tools to manage the intense emotion that surfaced after her dad, Dave Graham, ended his life.
A Life Cut Short
Dave Graham, a respected high school teacher and martial arts instructor from Nelson Bay, was just 48 years old when he died in 2020, during the COVID-19 pandemic.
His death came as a devastating shock to his family and community. Ms Gunn described her father as the happiest guy anybody ever knew, a man who was all smiles all the time. He showed no outward signs of the inner turmoil he must have been experiencing.
The tragedy struck just weeks before Ms Gunn's wedding, robbing her of a cherished moment she had always envisioned.
The Unfillable Void
He was supposed to walk me down the aisle and tell me how beautiful I look in my dress, Ms Gunn shared. He was supposed to be there.
She reflected on the unique role a father plays in a daughter's life, explaining that he is the one who is supposed to make you feel safe, proud, and secure.
The eldest of six children, Ms Gunn expressed a deep sense of hopelessness at not having had the chance to fight for her father. She said she would have begged, pleaded, and done anything if only he had confided in someone about his troubles.
The pain of his absence, she said, never truly goes away. Instead, it gets separated and gifted to the people left behind. She watches her younger siblings grapple with the loss, knowing she cannot provide what their father could. That realisation used to make me so angry, she admitted. He wasn't supposed to leave them. I can't be the dad.
A Journey of Grief and Acceptance
In the immediate aftermath, Ms Gunn was infuriated by well-meaning comments from people who said her father was in a better place. She felt it was unfair that he could be at peace while she was left to deal with the immense fallout of his death.
Managing her emotions, she explained, requires constant maintenance. Her grief and pain are with her every single day. It is not something you fix or get past, she said. It's ongoing and it changes. It takes different forms and evolves.
Despite the deep and complex emotions surrounding her father's death, Ms Gunn has found a way to carry her grief while also experiencing joy. She finds comfort in happy childhood memories and in the knowledge that her father, whom she described as everybody's superman, supported so many people through difficult times, including his students.
The most difficult part is trying to deal with life after the superhero died, she said.
Compounding the tragedy, her father died during a COVID-19 lockdown, which prevented his parents from travelling from Brisbane to attend the funeral. Ms Gunn was left to plan the funeral, organise the cremation, sort out his estate, and inform loved ones, all while wishing she could just talk to him one more time.
Ms Gunn will share her powerful story at the Running Through Darkness charity event at Newcastle City Hall, aiming to raise awareness about mental health and suicide prevention.
Support is available for anyone in distress. Phone Lifeline on 13 11 14, Mensline on 1300 789 978, Kids Helpline on 1800 551 800, beyondblue on 1300 224 636, or 1800-RESPECT on 1800 737 732.
